Well, today’s been a rough one.
I am about to be 12 weeks pregnant and my daughter is 16 months old. I knew that this would be difficult for me but, I guess I didn’t know just how unforgiving and overwhelming being pregnant while also taking care of a toddler would feel. I am so happy to be pregnant again and so happy that Lilly is getting a sibling but, it’s been tough to stay in control of the hormones. My poor husband has been pulling more than his weight lately and I have been feeling so much shame for that.
I understand that I need to forgive myself more and that, it’s okay to need extra help right now but, my anxiety isn’t going easy on me. My anxiety loves to tell me I’m a lazy mom and that I should be doing so much more for my family.
That dreaded “should” word. I hate that word.
I actually broke down earlier because the anger was tearing through me like a tornado; I just couldn’t calm down. My daughter has discovered how fun it is to get up on the couch now that she’s tall enough and, when she does this, I’m basically stuck with my eyeballs glued to her to make sure she doesn’t fall. I just wish she would stay off the couch and be still but, she’s at that age where it’s so fun to try new and thrilling things. I’m honestly so proud of how brave she is and how much she loves learning how to do things on her own but, earlier today, all I felt was anger.
I was angry that she wouldn’t just let me watch TV without fear of her crashing to the floor, I was angry that I couldn’t just get a moment to myself. My husband is always there to help me on weekends but, again, my anxiety keeps me from asking for help when I need it. For fear that he’ll be upset with me. For fear that I’ll be a “bad wife”.
Before anyone jumps to conclusions, he isn’t the one putting those notions in my head. He’s a wonderful husband but, there’s a mean version of him locked inside my brain. I just can’t escape it. We can all thank past traumas for that one…but that’s a whole different story.
I even googled “pregnant with a toddler” because of how crazy I felt. As it turns out, there are a lot of moms who have experienced this same struggle. It makes me feel better knowing I’m not alone but, I still feel pretty lousy.
On a positive note, I recently started a stay-at-home job where I do transcriptions of legal hearings for a company in Maryland. I’m doing this part-time so we have hired a part-time nanny to play with Lilly while I’m typing away. Honestly, this has been so wonderful. Yes, it’s another job but, it actually feels like a break to me. I get 4 hours every weekday to just…be myself. I’ve been struggling with my identity lately and feeling like there’s nothing to me other than “mom”. This job has definitely been helping with that and, I feel good knowing that I’m still at home with Lilly. I can still go check on her whenever I want to. That made the mom guilt a little easier to overcome 🙂 I have nothing against moms that work outside the house – you do you, mama! – but, I just don’t think I would be able to leave Lilly.
We should also find out the sex of baby 2 in a few weeks! I can’t wait to find out what we’re having. My preference was girl the first time around but, this time, I will be just as thrilled either way. I would be over the moon to have another girl but, having a boy and seeing the differences that brings would be exciting. I’m mostly just happy that Lilly will get a partner in crime. I just hope they get along. I was an only child so, I have no idea what it’s like.