Who Am I?

I haven’t written on here in a long time, mainly because I had no time but, also because I had no idea how to word all of my feelings. There have been so many different emotions the past few months, so much I’ve needed to get off my chest but didn’t know how to. So, here goes…

I don’t remember who I was before I had Lillian. I don’t remember what I dreamed about, what I wanted (aside from a baby), or what mattered to me. I keep thinking that that girl must still be in there somewhere but, all I see now is Mom. But, Lisa is still in there too, right? I love being a mom, don’t get me wrong; it is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I am so in love with my little love bug and, I couldn’t imagine life without her but, I feel like there’s something missing now. There has to be more than this, right? I feel so guilty even thinking like this; I’m supposed to be satisfied with this. This is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Why am I not satisfied?

I think it’s high time that I rediscovered myself. I’ve been searching like mad for a part-time job so that I can try to have a life outside of motherhood. I’m only looking or something part-time, enough to get me out of the house for a bit each day. I’m hoping that getting a job will make me feel more “normal”. I’ve been feeling like a piece of furniture lately, only there to support and care for others. I miss earning an income too. I really miss having my own money; I didn’t think I’d miss it this much.

Another thought that keeps creeping into my mind is that, I feel like I need to distance myself from Lillian a little bit. That sounds so awful and, it makes me feel like a lousy mother but, I feel like I need to miss her. You know? Does that make sense? I know I’ll miss her to death when I’m not there but, I’ve almost become desensitized to her at home. I’ve been dealing with some pretty intense “meh-ness” lately – Depression – and, I worry that it’s going to swallow me whole.

I’ve been taking medication but, it’s not working that well. I just started adding Rexulti to my anti-depressant as prescribed by my psychiatrist but, I’m not happy with the side effects. It’s frustrating enough needing medication and it’s even more frustrating when the medication either doesn’t work or makes me feel weird. I’m sure I’ll figure it out soon enough but, I’m having a bad time right now.

On top of all that, I’m dealing with what everyone else is dealing with. We’re all sick of being stuck at home and we’re all anxious about what’s happening in the world. I seriously have no idea what this world is coming to and I’m worried about Lillian’s future.

On a more selfish note, I turn 30 next month and I’m mad that I can’t plan an epic party to celebrate. I’m so bummed that I have to spend my 30th in quarantine; it makes me so sad. I’m sure my husband will find a way to make it special but, it’s not going to be what I had envisioned. 30 is a big deal to me.

I really wish we’d all stop being so mad at each other. There’s been so much negativity in the air; it’s maddening! I’m not sure if it’s because I had cancer or what but, I’m pretty much allergic to negativity. It just makes me feel icky and mad all the time. We need to be coming together during these times and not fighting each other. So what if we don’t agree on everything. We can still be decent humans to each other. The negativity is only making this worse and, I feel like I’m the only one who sees that. Sometimes, I wish I could just run far way and be as far away from everyone as possible but, I need people around me. I need to feel like I’m not alone. Especially nowadays, I need to scroll through Facebook and Instagram and just see faces.

I need to scroll social media to remind myself that other humans exist but, social media is also where most, if not, all of the negativity is coming from. I tried deleting Facebook from my phone for a while but, that didn’t last. I could unfollow some people, I guess but, I don’t want to do that. I just want people to be less negative.

I realize that this blog post is more like stream of consciousness and, I’ve sort of lost the plot. Honestly, I just need more sleep. Lillian’s been waking up at night again and, I’m not sure why. All I really needed to get off my chest is that, I don’t know who I am anymore and, I need to get out of the house.

Okay, that’s enough for now. Goodnight, everyone.

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