This past weekend, I spent some much needed time away with one of my best friends. I was baby free and, as weird as it felt at first, it is just what I needed to recharge my batteries. It’s easy for me to forget to take care of myself because I’m so busy with everything else in my life. Honestly, I’ve never ranked high on my list of priorities but, I’m trying really hard to break that habit. I need to start taking better care of myself so that I can better take care of Lillian.
My self esteem for the past few months has been pretty low. The love I had for my postpartum body has almost completely faded away and, I’ve just been feeling unattractive, checked out, and like an empty shell. Especially as a stay at home mom, it was starting to feel like there was no life outside of that. “Mom” was becoming my only identity and I forgot who Lisa was.
I realized I needed a break. I drove to Austin, got my hair dyed a dark auburn, got 2 full nights of sleep and, now I’m feeling better than I have in a long time 🙂
As wonderful as the weekend was, I did get emotional on Saturday. I missed Lilly and Paul and I had a moment of doubt that I was doing the right thing. Due to my anxiety, I constantly have to work hard to keep negative thoughts at bay and, on Saturday night, I had a moment of weakness. It feels good to take care of yourself but, for me, it starts to feel selfish too. Why was I having fun in Austin when I should have been at home taking care of my baby? Why did I spend money on hair dye when I could have saved it for something important? Luckily, I was able to recognize these thoughts as shaming and the anxiety passed. I’ve also been working hard on recognizing irrational thoughts and not letting them cloud my judgement. This has definitely been a long process and one that I’m still struggling with.
I drove back to Dallas on Sunday feeling refreshed and ready to resume normal life. I loved on Lilly, spent quality time with my husband, and actually smiled when I looked in the mirror.