Happy new year to everyone reading this! I hope this year brings us all wonderful things 🙂 This year was definitely one to remember for me. I experienced the highest of highs with the birth of Lillian and the lowest of lows with the passing of my grandmother. I miss her every single day. I think the hardest part is that, she was the one I went to when I needed to vent. I told her everything and now I can’t do that. I’ve been feeling so alone with my depression, not wanting to burden anyone but, I never worried about that with my grandma. She was always there… Over Christmas, my mom gave me some of her jewelry and I wear one of her rings everyday to keep her with me.
Lillian will be 7 months old on the 17th and I just can’t believe it. She’s turning into such a wonderful little person and, she is probably the happiest baby I’ve ever seen! And so, so chill. The other day, I had to bring her with me to 3 separate appointments and she didn’t make a peep! She just sat there through everything and played with her crinkly toy. My podiatrist even commented that she was the calmest baby he’d ever seen. Definitely a proud mama moment. Lillian’s happiness is the one thing that always makes me feel great. I was a really happy baby too so, I think she got that from me. I hope she stays this happy for a long time.
I’m on a new antidepressant now, Pristiq, and Lorazepam to chill me out in the evenings. Lexapro just wasn’t working for me. I would hate to keep changing meds so, I really hope that Pristiq works well. Psychiatry is a process just like therapy is and, it seems I’ve only begun to scratch the surface with both. I’ve experienced trauma in my life that has left me ill equipped to handle anything too emotional (my mind just goes numb) so, I really need to get my normal emotions back. Honestly, I need to get to the bottom of my trauma in order to process and move on from it. It’s holding me back from being happy with myself and my life.
Lately, too, I’ve been down on myself about my weight. #Mombod was a real thing and I loved my body for a time but, now that Lilly is almost 7 months old, I’m not as jazzed about my appearance anymore. My goal is to lose 15 pounds this year and I really hope I can. I signed up for Camp Gladiator a while back and didn’t go as regularly as I wanted to before the holidays so, I’m hoping I can be more consistent this year. Three workouts per week. I can do this.
My depression has been a big, dark cloud over my family but, I work so hard to make sure that it doesn’t affect Lilly and that she remains happy and healthy. It’s harder to keep the depression from affecting Paul but, I’m hoping I’ll have more good days now with the new meds. My goal for 2020 is to take better care of myself, physically and mentally. I’m starting this by going to Austin at the end of January to spend the weekend with a friend of mine. Alone. I’m trying really hard not to feel bad about it but, I just need a tiny break from mom life. Another friend of mine recently told me that recognizing when I need a break actually makes me a really good mom so, I’m going to keep repeating that to myself until I 100% believe it.
My mom and grandpa are also coming to visit in the next few weeks so, that’ll be awesome. I’m so happy that I get to see my grandpa so much now. As broken-hearted as I am over my grandma, it’s so nice that my grandpa can now come to the US and spend so much time with his family. I’m also thrilled that he gets to bond with Lillian. He loves her so much and it just makes my heart melt each time I see them together.
2020 will be a great year and I hope it brings joy and peace to everyone.