Tomorrow

So, as it turns out, Lilly also has a section of her aorta that is narrower than it should be. This is called a coarctation of the aorta. This also needs to be fixed surgically. We found out about this new issue at Lilly’s last cardiologist appointment and I feel like they’re just going to be keep finding things wrong with my little girl’s heart.

Her surgery had to be moved up since she is still having so much trouble with feedings. She also seems to have a hard time breathing after feeds which, according to the doctor, is a symptom of the aorta coarctation. They will fix both the aorta and the vsd in one go.

So, her surgery was moved up. To tomorrow. Tomorrow, my little girl will have heart surgery to fix not one, but two problems with her heart.

I can’t believe this is happening. Why is she having all these issues? Am I just bad at making humans? Did I do this? Everyone keeps telling me this isn’t my fault but, I’m the one who made her. I just don’t understand what happened here.

Honestly, I haven’t been dealing with any of this properly. I mean, I’ve always had problems dealing with stress, but, this has been harder than anything else. All I’ve been doing the past week is stress eating. According to my scale this morning, I gained 2 pounds. Not a healthy way to deal with my problems. I’ve never stress eaten this badly before; I just keep shoving everything edible into my mouth.

I’ve never had to deal with a medical crisis as the caregiver before. I had cancer in high school and, since I was the patient, it was very different for me. I never knew what my mom was going through seeing me need surgeries and other procedures and, now, I don’t think I’ve ever respected her more. I want them to cut into my chest instead of Lillian’s. I want to be the one with the bad heart since Lilly just started using hers.

This is hard and I’m not doing well. Luckily, I’m not goin through this alone and my husband has been right there with me. I can’t imagine going through all this without him.

Please keep us in your thoughts tomorrow; we could all use some good vibes.

To my Lilly bug, mommy knows that you’ll be just fine. You are going to have such a healthy heart after this. Mommy and daddy are so proud of you 🙂

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