Lilly will be 4 weeks old tomorrow and she’s started being more awake during the day. She still takes several naps, as newborns do but, she definitely keeps her pretty, blue eyes open more often 🙂 She has also started sleeping more at night which my husband and I are very thankful for. She still has her “witching hour” but, it happens earlier. It happens before my husband and I fall asleep so we’ve been sleeping a lot better. Winning!
I’ve been feeling better emotionally too; I’ve been getting less frustrated and I’ve been much calmer. I still have my off moments but, I’m not as worried about my mental state anymore. My postpartum emotions have gotten easier to handle but, the universe seems to like throwing curve balls out of nowhere and it threw me a hell of a curve ball last week.
My grandmother passed away on July 7th from a brain aneurysm that blew on the fourth of July. The aneurysm had been there for a long time so, although we knew that it could blow, we were not expecting it to actually happen. She was in a coma for a few days and then she went. I’ve been in France since last Thursday (my mom’s side of the family is all French) to be there for my grandpa and my mom and to attend the funeral and say my goodbyes. I feel terrible for leaving Lilly at home but, I really needed to be here and Lilly is far too young to get on a plane. I feel guilty for leaving Lilly but, she has been in wonderful hands with my husband and his mom.
I was extremely close with my grandma; this hit me really hard. Honestly, I think there’s so much happening in my life all at once that my brain is having trouble processing. The funeral was yesterday and I have one more day until I go back home; I’m going to take advantage of today to try and relax. Since getting here last Thursday, every minute of the days has been in preparation for the funeral and we’ve all been completely stressed.
The hardest part for me to accept I think is that Lilly will never get to meet her great grandmother. She would have loved her; my grandmother was such an amazing person full of life and light. I do take comfort in the fact, however, that my grandma was able to see pictures of Lilly. She even got a video of Lilly crying that I had sent to my mom and, apparently, my grandmother was thrilled to be able to hear Lilly’s voice.
Thinking about it now, I’m so glad Lilly was born early. Her original due date was July 5th and, had I gone all the way to 40 weeks, it’s very likely that my grandmother would never have seen Lilly’s face. Even more than that, had I given birth on the 5th, I would not have been able to attend the funeral.
I don’t know if I believe in any sort of higher power but, it definitely seems like the universe had a plan. I will miss my grandmother so much but, she will live on in my memories of her. Lilly will know her through the stories I tell.