So, I’m almost 3 weeks postpartum now and, honestly, I’ve been struggling.
I think I’ve cried more in the last few weeks than I did while I was pregnant. It’s been a mix of happy tears and anxious ones, but I definitely wasn’t expecting to be this emotional. When we were at the hospital, I cried mostly because my husband was doing such an incredible job taking care of me and Lilly. We were in a little love bubble and I couldn’t believe how amazing he was. I was just so proud, I’m still so proud, of how much he was and is just crushing this dad thing. The second day in the hospital, he left to get food and I cried after texting him “I love you”. Super sappy, I know.
Once we brought Lilly home, the tears became more anxious. I just didn’t (and still don’t) feel confident. I want so much to be a great mom and there are times when I feel like a lousy one, especially when Lilly is screaming for no apparent reason in the middle of the night and nothing I do seems to soothe her. I’m told this feeling of being a bad mom sometimes is normal but, I wish I could just feel better. The other night I broke down in tears after feeding Lilly and just kept apologizing to her through her screams.
Another emotion that I’ve been experiencing, only in the last week, is frustration, even nearing anger. I think this might be due solely to the sleep deprivation but, it’s certainly unsettling. I’m supposed to be happy, aren’t I? I mean, I have a new, beautiful baby; what could I possibly have to be upset about? I’ll get mad at my husband for no reason or even at Lilly for crying so much and then I’ll feel unbelievably guilty which adds to the feelings of anxiety and of being a bad mom. It makes it hard for me to really bond with Lilly; I feel almost totally separated from her at times. I see my husband holding Lilly, dancing, and bonding with her and, I just want to crawl in a hole and disappear.
I’ve been a bit worried about developing postpartum depression but, according to the internet, these emotions are normal for the first few weeks after delivery. If these feelings continue past Lilly’s first month, however, I will definitely talk to my doctor and see if I need to get on some sort of medication. I hate the idea of having to get on medication to feel normal and happy (I mean, again, having a new baby should have me feeling ecstatic all the time, shouldn’t it?), but I will do everything I can to make sure that my emotions get back to normal so that I can focus on boding with my daughter and enjoying every moment.
I wanted to shed light on the negative side about being postpartum because I don’t really hear much about this from other women. Postpartum anxiety and postpartum depression are almost taboo subjects; everyone wants to seem like a perfect mom who has their shit together. The point of this blog was to be honest about my experience so, although there are definitely many times where I’ve felt nothing but happy and on cloud 9 with my little girl, I’m here to tell you guys that I definitely do not yet have my shit together.